Decorum & Civility As Virtues that Refer to God

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Decorum & Civility As Virtues that Refer to God Dec 3, 2019 18:17:32 GMT

Post by Admin on Dec 3, 2019 18:17:32 GMT

Decorum & Civility As Virtues that Refer to God

When so many men have become slovenly, influenced by the 1960s hippy revolt against all decorum and discipline in dress and deportment, it is good to see a Saint writing a book titled The Rules of Christian Decorum and Civility. This manual, intended for men, should remind them as heads of families to set the good example and instruct their children properly instead of leaving courtesy to the women.

St. John Baptist de La Salle, founder of The Christian Brothers, a teaching institute for youth, believed that good manners and civility should be inspired by love of God and neighbor, not worldly goals to appear well before others. Good manners and civility are means to build good morals and self-discipline, fighting self-centeredness and laziness. One wonders what this Patron Saint of educators would think of the Catholic men and youth of our days?

This excerpt is from the Preface, written by the Saint.

St. John-Baptiste de la Salle

It is surprising that most Christian men look upon decorum and politeness as merely human and worldly qualities and do not think of raising their minds to any higher views by considering them as virtues that have reference to God, to their neighbor and to themselves. This illustrates very well how little true Christianity is found in the world and how few among those who live in the world are guided by the Spirit of Our Lord Jesus Christ (Gal 5:10).

Still, it is this Spirit alone that ought to inspire all our actions, making them holy and agreeable to God. This is an obligation St. Paul points out to us when he tells us in the person of the early Christians that because we must live by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, we must also act in all things by that Spirit (Gal 5:25).

According to the same Apostle, because all our actions have to be holy, there are none that should not to be done through purely Christian motives. Thus, all our external actions, which are the only ones that can be guided by the rules of decorum, must always, through faith, possess and display the characteristics of virtue.

This is something to which fathers and mothers should pay attention while educating their children. It is likewise something about which teachers, entrusted with the instruction of these children, should be especially concerned.

Parents and teachers should never fail, while teaching children the rules of decorum, to remind them that they have to observe these only through purely Catholic motives, which concern the glory of God and one’s own salvation.

Parents and teachers should avoid telling the children in their care that, if they fail to act in a certain way, people will blame them, will not have any respect for them, or will ridicule them. Such remarks can only inspire children with the spirit of the world and turn them away from the spirit of the Gospel.

Rather, when they wish to train children in practices pertaining to bodily care and simple modesty, they should lead them carefully to be motivated by the presence of God, as St. Paul does when he makes the same point with the faithful of his time, saying that their modesty ought to be known to all, because the Lord is near to them. In other words, children should do these things out of respect for God, in whose presence they are.

When teaching children and training them to observe the practices of decorum that refer to their neighbor, teachers must urge them to show others the signs of consideration, honor and respect appropriate to members of Our Lord Jesus Christ and living temples of God, enlivened by the Holy Spirit.

In the same way, St. Peter exhorts the early faithful to love their brethren and to pay to all the honor due to them, thereby showing themselves true servants of God and making known in this way that they honor God in the person of their neighbor. If all Catholics make it a practice to display goodwill, esteem and respect for others from considerations of this kind only and from motives of this nature, they will sanctify all their actions and make it possible to distinguish, as it should be, between Catholic decorum and civility and what is merely worldly or almost pagan.

Thus they will live like true Christians, for their exterior behavior will be conformable to that of Christ and will correspond with their Catholic profession. They will thereby show themselves to be different from infidels and from those who are Christians only in name, as Tertullian remarks when he says that in his time people could know and recognize Christians by their exterior conduct and their modesty.

Catholic decorum is, then, that wise and well-regulated conduct that governs what we do and say. It arises from sentiments of modesty, respect, union and charity toward our neighbor. It leads us to give due regard to proper times and places and to the people with whom we have to deal. Decorum practiced toward our neighbor is properly called civility. ...

Different forms of decorum

What should observed in the presence of the King or in the royal apartments should not be done elsewhere, because the respect we must have for the person of the King demands that certain signs of reverence be shown when in his palace that would be out of place in a private home. We should act in our own home differently from the way we act in the homes of others, and so too in homes of people whom we know as opposed to those whom we scarcely know.

Because politeness expects us to have and to show special respect for certain people that we do not owe to others and because it would also violate decorum to show the same kind of respect to everyone. Whenever we meet or converse with a person of some social standing, we must pay attention to his rank, dealing with and treating him according to what the rank calls for.

We should likewise consider ourselves and who we are, for whoever is inferior to others is obliged to show submission to those who are superiors, whether by birth, by official position or by social rank. We should pay them much greater respect than we would to someone who is our equal.

A peasant, for example, must show more respect for his lord than would a working man who does not depend upon that same lord. Similarly, a working man should show greater respect for a lord than would a gentleman who happens to be visiting that lord.

Continued [below]

The Rules of Christian Decorum and Civility, LaSallian Publications, reprinted 2007, pp. 3-5

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"So let us be confident, let us not be unprepared, let us not be outflanked, let us be wise, vigilant, fighting against those who are trying to tear the faith out of our souls and morality out of our hearts, so that we may remain Catholics, remain united to the Blessed Virgin Mary, remain united to the Roman Catholic Church, remain faithful children of the Church."- Archbp. Lefebvre 1980

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Decorum & Civility As Virtues that Refer to God Dec 3, 2019 20:52:10 GMT

Post by Admin on Dec 3, 2019 20:52:10 GMT

Faults against Decorum Committed through Talk

The Apostle St. James says, you can be sure that you are perfect if you commit no fault when speaking (Js 3:2). In his book on Civility and Decorum, St. John Baptist de La Salle properly notes that whoever does not offend against decorum by words truly knows how to live properly in this world and displays wise and well-regulated external behavior.

Today it often seems that most of the time-honored rules governing conversation – especially in unequal relationship as between superiors and inferiors, adults and youth, teachers and students – have been totally disregarded. Thus it seems opportune to present some basic rules the Saint sets out that should regulate conversation.

St. John-Baptiste de la Salle

To speak without consideration means to speak without discretion, without control, and without paying attention to what you say. The Wise Man warns us that to avoid this defect, we must be very attentive to our words, so that we do not dishonor our soul (Eccl 19:38 [20:8 Douay]).

In fact, no one has esteem for a person who speaks indiscreetly. For this reason, you ought to be on guard, according to the advice of the same Wise Man, against being too quick with your words (Eccl 4:34 [Douay]). For the reason why you speak inappropriately and without control is that you often say things without having thought seriously about them. …

If you wish to speak with discretion and prudence, you must never speak before thinking carefully about what you intend to say. You do not have to reveal all that is on your mind, and in many things you must act as if you were ignorant (Eccl 32:12 [Douay]).

The Wise Man adds that if you are well-informed about something you wish to talk about or someone else is talking about, you may speak or give answer appropriately; otherwise, you ought to keep your hand over your mouth (5:14). This means that you must keep silent, lest you be surprised into an indiscreet word or fall into embarrassment.

To speak prudently, consider whether it is the proper time to speak or to remain silent. It is imprudent and thoughtless for you not to pay attention to the right time for speaking and instead to talk when you are prompted by just the mere desire to talk. It is necessary, according to St. Paul, that you make sure that every word you utter be so saturated with grace and seasoned with the salt of wisdom that you never utter a single word without realizing why and how you are saying it (Col 4:6).

Finally, as the Wise Man recommends, you need to learn before you speak. Therefore, never discuss a topic without knowing a great deal about it, so that you will say what you have to say so wisely and so appropriately that you will make yourself more highly esteemed because of your words (Eccl 18: 18–19; 20:31 [29 Douay]).

When someone has said or done something that is out of place and you notice that this person spoke without reflecting and is already aware of it and embarrassed when he thinks of himself and of what he said, you ought to pretend to have noticed nothing. If he excuses himself, it would be prudent and charitable for you to interpret the incident in a favorable light.

Never poke fun at someone who proposed something a little unreasonable, and still less ought you to treat him with disdain, for it may be that you did not correctly understand what he had in mind.

Finally, it is never proper for an polited person to embarrass anyone. It is prudent, when someone is using insulting language, for you not to reply in kind and not to undertake to defend yourself. It is better to pretend that you take the whole thing as a joke, and if someone else comes to your defense, you ought to show that you are not upset by what was said. It is characteristic of a truly wise person never to be upset by anything.

To let us know in a few words who the people are who speak with wisdom and prudence and who those are who speak imprudently, the Wise Man gives us this admirable rule: The hearts of fools are in their mouths, and the mouths of the wise are in their hearts (Eccl 22 [21]:26). This means that those who lack good sense let everyone know by the proliferation and the thoughtlessness of their words whatever they have in their heart, but those who have common sense and self-discipline are so reserved and circumspect in speaking that they say only what they want to say and what is proper for people to know.

When you are with people older than you or with the very elderly, it is a matter of decorum to speak little and to listen a great deal. You ought to act in the same way in the company of important people. This advice that the Wise Man gives you is most appropriate indeed (Eccl 32:13 [9]).

It is also a matter of refinement that a child, when in the company of people to whom he must show respect, speaks only when he is invited to speak (ibid., [32]:11 [7]; 19:5 [Eccl 32:10–13 Douay]).

You must be very careful not to reveal secrets to one and all. This is a piece of advice given by the Wise Man that would be quite imprudent to ignore. Before revealing a secret to anyone, you must make sure who is the person to whom you intend to tell the secret, whether he is able to keep the secret, and whether he will indeed do so.

Those who have nothing to relate except gossip and frivolous, silly stories and those who affect introductions so long that no one else can speak would do much better to keep quiet. It is far better to gain a reputation for being a person of few words than to bore people with nonsense and stupidities or always to have something to say.

The Rules of Christian Decorum and Civility, LaSallian Publications, reprinted 2007, pp 116-118

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Decorum & Civility As Virtues that Refer to God Dec 3, 2019 20:54:15 GMT

Post by Admin on Dec 3, 2019 20:54:15 GMT

Faults against Decorum Regarding Charity Owed to Your Neighbor

In this excerpt from his excellent book on Civility and Decorum, St. John Baptiste de la Salle sets out guidelines for good behavior with our neighbor. In the rude and vulgar climate of our times, it is no wonder that so many resentments and irritations seethe in relationships, even among family members.

The Saint is very clear about the consideration we should show in our speech and actions with others, never insulting or mocking our neighbor, and taking great care in the occasional joking that is permitted. When these rules guided Catholics, living with others was much more pleasant and agreeable.

St. John-Baptiste de la Salle

Civility is so demanding in what refers to your neighbor that it does not permit you to scandalize anyone in any way and never allows you to speak ill of anyone. This is also something that St. James warns the early Christians to be contrary to God’s law, when he tells them that whoever slanders his brother slanders the law (Jas 4:11).

It is, then, very rude to be forever finding fault with what others do. If you do not wish to say anything good about them, you should say nothing. The Wise Man declares that when you hear slander, you must hedge your ears with thorns, and he adds that you must keep so far away from slander that you never hear an evil tongue (Eccl [Sir] 28:8 [28 Douay]).

Nor does he allow you to report to people the tales that someone else has related about them, and he warns you not to acquire the reputation of talebearer, because, as he says, the talebearer will be hated by everyone (Eccl [Sir] 19:7, 10; 5:16; 21:31 [25–28]). Thus, according to the same Wise Man’s counsel, if you have heard something unfavorable about your neighbor, you must, if you wish to act with decorum, let the story be buried in your own heart (ibid., 19:[9–]10). ...

Also, it is most improper to call attention to the physical defect of anyone; this shows that you are mean and poorly brought up. It is also rude to make comparisons between the person to whom you are speaking and someone else, so as to bring out some defect or misfortune that happened to that other person, saying, for example, “He was as drunk as you were the other day”; “So-and-so got a slap or a bloody nose as bad as the one you got a few days ago”; “So-and-so fell into a mud puddle like the one you fell into the other day,” or, “So-and-so has hair as red as yours.”

To talk this way is to offer a grave insult to the one to whom you are speaking. Nor ought you to refer to obvious defects or blemishes on a person’s face or to ask how they got there. It is also quite rude, as well as a great fault against charity toward your neighbor, to remind someone of events in which he did not do well or to say things that can disturb or embarrass the person you are speaking to, such as “You got into an ugly mess a few days ago” or “The other day you were grossly insulted.” ...

An insult is most shocking to decorum as well as to charity. Our Lord very expressly condemns it in the Gospel. Such words must never be found on the lips of a Catholic, for they are extremely improper for anyone who has the least claim to being a well-educated person. You must never insult anyone, and you are never permitted either to say or to do anything that might lead to such conduct.

Another fault, no less contrary to propriety and to the respect you owe your neighbor, is mockery, making fun of someone over a defect or a weakness or mimicking him by gestures. There is not much difference between such mockery and an outright insult, except that by insulting people, you attack them flagrantly, with no attempt at concealment.

Such mockery is entirely unworthy of a wellborn person. Because it goes against propriety and hurts your neighbor, you are never to make fun of anyone, living or dead.

If it is not permissible for you to make fun of a person because of some weakness or defect, it is even less so to make fun of his natural and involuntary handicaps. It shows a slovenly and mean spirit for you to make fun of someone, for example, because he has only one eye, is crippled or is humpbacked. Surely the person who suffers from these defects did not cause them.

It is also entirely improper for you to poke fun at someone because of a misfortune or a disgrace that has overtaken him. You wound him deeply by making fun of him in his tragedy. However, if you are the butt of sarcasm because of one of your defects, always take it in good part, and do not show exteriorly that it bothers you. It is a mark of refinement, as well as a sign of piety, not to let yourself be disturbed by what others say about you, however disagreeable, offensive or insulting it might be.

There is another type of joking that is allowed and which, far from being contrary to the rules of refinement and decorum, adds spice to conversation and brings honor to the person who employs it. This joking is part of witty, spirited repartee, which deals with something agreeable without wounding anyone or offending courtesy.

Such fun is very innocent and can make a conversation much more interesting. However, take care that it does not occur too frequently and that you know how to handle your wit. If you tend to be somewhat clumsy when attempting to be witty, you should abstain from this sort of thing entirely, because people might laugh at you, and this sort of joking, now so pointless, uninspired and uninteresting, would not achieve the end you intended, namely, to amuse others and to get them to join in the fun.

The Rules of Christian Decorum and Civility, LaSallian Publications, reprinted 2007, pp 121-123

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